


Rainy Nights

by kao_nyh



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Durin Family, Durincest, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Male Slash, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-09
Updated: 2013-07-09
Packaged: 2017-12-18 06:19:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/876603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kao_nyh/pseuds/kao_nyh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's Kilis twentieth birthday and everything went well until Fili made an unexspected and most painful discovery.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The dagger

**Author's Note:**

  * For [GreenSorceress](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreenSorceress/gifts).



I do not own the Hobbit or any characters, I'm just a fan.

oOo

They had always been together. Since his little brother was born Fili would always look at his troublesome sibling, who loved to play pranks, mess with his uncle or chatter like an old dwarfen lady the whole night. He would have always been by his side. He was sure that this, what he felt for his little brother, would never change, come what may. Later he had to admit his defeat at this point, that he could never be that wrong again.

It was Kili's twentieth birthday, when the young dwarf woke up in the morning, just to grin at his brothers face, who was lying like usual next to him in his bed they shared. They had indeed two beds in their room, but they never used it, just as they declared, not to be in need of a second room for the other one. They wanted to be together in one room in one bed. Lying next to Fili was the greatest thing in the world for Kili as same as for Fili, who was sure, couldn't sleep if Kili wasn't next to him nor feeling the warmth of his belly on his back or his tickling long black hair, that would always look like a mess in the morning.

Fili grinned back at his brother knowing, that he wanted his birthday present now, of which he knew from himself was 'unbelievable' and 'incredible'. Fili couldn't resist and patted Kili's fuzzy head.

"Happy birthday, Kili. Did you sleep well?" He wanted to make his little brother even more nervous, than he already was and got up pretty slowly.

"Thank you. But you do know, that I always sleep well beside you," he said a little annoyed.

Fili stretched his arms and legs to get rid of his tiredness and got a glimpse of Kili's excited face, who simply wanted nothing more, than to toss his big brother out of the bed, just to get his present sooner. "No nightmares?"

"No." His eyes where now begging for his brothers present and Fili gave a slight sigh. He moved out of the bed and commanded Kili to close his eyes to get his present from his ambush.

Kili obeyed like he always did.

Fili dropped something heavy in Kili's hands and sat down next to the birthday boy on their bed. With eager fingers he tossed the silky cloth to the ground, that wrapped his present, and gave an impressed shout as he saw what his brother made for him. Yes, made.

It was a small but hand-crafted dagger with the enrichment of a sleeping dragon at the grip. Kili was sure, that he had never seen or heard of such incredible handcraft made by any dwarf.

"You made this for me or did you just buy it?" Kili asked and turned grinning to his brother just for teasing him.

"You think so little of me?" he said, nudging his brother with his shoulder.

"Thank you! I love it! It's so great!"

Fili just saw some dark locks flying in front of his face and felt a warm and strong hug from his brother, before he was overbalanced falling back into the blanket. Kili lay still smiling and hugging on the chest of Fili, who wasn't sure, what to do. This happy outburst was surprising but welcome. He decided to hug him back, but Kili moved and gave his brother a smooth kiss on his lips. It felt like a warm summer breeze after a cold winter and gave him chills all over his body making his head dizzy and it stopped thinking for a moment.

"Thank you," Kili said blushing. "I'll treasure this dagger my whole life!" All too soon he got up and left the room, calling for his mum to show her his precious present.

Fili laid still in the bed trembling and heavy breathing. His face was red like that of a ripe cherry and hot as volcano. He could plead to himself, that he didn't know why he still trembled from this little kiss, but he couldn't. He knew. Since five years ago he was sure that his brotherly love had changed into something more serious, to real and absolute love. Since two years he fought with himself to confess his love to his mostly innocent brother, who was still believing in his brotherly love by Fili. But now that kiss. On his lips! It wasn't just on his cheeks but on his lips. Even Kili should have known, that only lovers would do that. With this in mind he got up slowly and dressed himself.

"Fili, come on! There is a big cake mother made for us," his brother yelled from the kitchen. "It's with strawberry!"

Fili smiled when he left the room and got an amusing look from his uncle, who was just entering the kitchen to give Kili his present. It was a new leather belt with the silver head of a wolf. It really was something. But more importantly Kili got a rare hug from Thorin, who smiled, as he saw the joy of his youngest nephew. Dís gave him a pair of new woolen socks, because she knew, she couldn't match with the presents of Thorin and Fili at all, who would have given anything to make him happy.

Thorin acted impressed and surprised, when Kili showed him the silvery dagger Fili made. And a slight grin ran about his face as he met Fili's gaze. Of course, Thorin instructed him on how he could make this dagger and gave him even the material Fili could have never afford. He nodded thankfully and Thorin smirked back.

oOo

After breakfast the two boys went into the forest fetching a rabbit or a pheasant for lunch. They really enjoyed each others company and Fili struggled with himself to reveal his true feelings to his little brother. Deep in his thoughts, he didn't see the branch in front of him and hit it with his head.

Kili burst into a laugh, while Fili patted a hand on his forehead looking if it was bleeding.

"Oh, Fili," he said still chuckling with bright eyes. "Why didn't you see it? It's too big to miss it, when you're walking with eyes open. What were you looking at?"

"Ah, shut up," said Fili,a little embarrassed sitting next to the tree with that stupid branch.

Kili didn't need any command to sit next to his brother and moving to look onto his brother's forehead.

Damn, he was close, was all Fili thought and tried to hide his blushing as he moved back avoiding Kili's sharp eyes, as he stretched out his fingers to touch the small scrape. Kili frowned and sat back. "Nothing serious, I guess, you will live a proper life and won't die because of that."

Fili bit his lip and didn't say anything in return, even so he was used to his younger brothers sassy words and knew how to react and to answer.

Taking two apples from his pouch Kili tried to make his brother happier and gave him one to make him look up.

"You're offering me food? Now?" his brother asked a little suspicious.

Kili gave a shrug. "You seem weird today." Juice dripped from his mouth as he bite into his apple.

"Really?" Fili only wanted to be Kili's apple, feeling his soft lips on his lips again. His heart was pounding like that of deer on his escape. He moved his head and sighed. He couldn't tell him. He couldn't say, what he felt at this moment, nor could he move his head to Kili's to taste his soft lips again. He feared the consequences too much.

"Yeah. More weird than usual. Will you tell me now what's going on in your head?"

"Why would you want to know?"

Kili gave a shrug again, but seemed confused by this question. "Cause... I'm your brother, aren't I?"

Fili nodded slowly. Yes, they were brothers. And this was the reason, why there was no hope for his love. He tried to swallow that thought, but couldn't.

"You know, I'm your brother. You can tell me everything just as I tell you everything that comes to my mind."

"Yeah, and sometimes it's really too much of everything," Fili replied amused trying to make a joke that wouldn't work out.

"Fee, I don't want secrets between us. Secrets just make us behaving weird, don't you think? Things are getting complicated between us, when we keep them. Remember, when I broke that wooden horse you had, when you where ten? I lied to you and it made me feel miserable the whole week until I confessed it was me who broke it. I do not want that again. I do not want secrets between us."

"And I do not want some secrets said out loud," Fili replied in a low voice.

Something was coming through the bushes. Kili stood up and listened like the hunter he had become.

"You know," Kili said, "I love you, that's why you should tell me everything." then he sprang into the bushes just to see a rabbit in front of him. Kili took an arrow and his bow and run after that rabbit, that was going to be his lunch for his birthday.

Fili still stunned on the ground, wondering if he hit his head this hard, that he doubted, he heard the words, he longed for so long. "I love you, too," he mumbled knowing Kili wouldn't hear.

oOo

All day long Fili hadn't the chance to talk to his brother in secret, just to sort things out and maybe confess his true feelings. He still didn't know, if Kili was telling the truth about loving him or just meaning brotherly love. He really didn't know. Kili had said, that he liked him, well, more often on days he got a present by his brother. So maybe it was the same today, too. That he got so emotional over this dagger, that it just slipped his mouth. He at least hoped, that he felt true love as well. But if he didn't, Fili was sure, he wouldn't leave Kili's side as long as he wanted him as his brother, as long as he would let him be by his side, he would not leave, even if this meant to suffer from his unrequited love his whole life.

Before dinner Kili went out to meet some friends at the village and because he went late Fili was sent out after a few hours to get him for supper. Thorin also got home from the Halls growing hungry.

So Fili went as fast as he could to the village to get his brother and maybe to talk to him about his feelings and confess to him as well. At this thought Fili blushed and got really nervous, much more nervous than usual, when Kili was clinging onto him at night, when he could not sleep, because of a nightmare. He liked those nights as he longed for Kili's sweet smile and catching laughing. He liked everything about him.

But then his heart suddenly stopped, as he overheard a conversation.

"He really did gave you this, Kili?" That was a boys voice he did not know.

He talked to Kili?

"Isn't it a bit too childish?" asked a female voice hiding her laugh.

Kili answered in a low voice and the other dwarfs giggled.

"That really is something," said the boy with laughter. "I would add a ruby or something just to make it look more childish," he said still giggling. "And a dragon? Seriously?"

Just say something, pleaded Fili in silence, waiting patiently for a response from his brother. Say at least something to defend my present. It took me weeks and many burning marks on my skin to make it. I had put all my love into this! Consider my feelings at least, he yelled into himself.

He could not hear, what Kili answered, but the outburst of laughter was nearly to much for Fili to bear. He felt incredibly ashamed and now even feared Kili's answer. Was it just a lie, that he said, he liked the dagger? Why didn't he say anything in the morning?

"Oh, yeah, I know what you mean," the boy said at Kili's unheard replay. "I've thrown this useless thing away. It had just been a dust catcher. You should also..."

Kili said something in reply, it must have been nothing more then a whisper.

"You did what?" squealed the girl in a high pitch.

"Sssh!"

"You really?" The voice of the girl went lower, but could still overheard from Fili.

"No, you didn't," said the boy giggling. "You went this far as to kiss him?"

"That's too much, Kili," said the girl in disbelief.

"And it's really disgusting."

Kili didn't reply. He said nothing, nothing that Fili could hear. So that kiss and his confession were just fake? Maybe a joke? Or a game that he played? 'Disgusting'. Yeah, that's what everyone would think, but Fili believed that Kili would treasure this kiss as his brother would.

"You shouldn't have done this!" said the boy.

Kili replied something again and all of them giggled.

Fili clenched his fist and spit out in anger. then he forced himself to step into that street the voices came from.

And his heart stopped for a second time.

The other boy was gone. The street was empty except for two people clinging to each other and kissing.

Fili couldn't stop staring at his brother and that dwarfen girl whom he kissed. He just stood there looking at them and he felt, how his heart was broken apart. His whole body was trembling and there was nothing left but pain, pain and pain. His inner self died in an instant and what seemed hours for Fili, passed by in a second, Kili said good bye to that girl and she left.

He smiled when he saw his brother. "You wouldn't believe, what my friends said to that dagger," he said still smiling bright. "They were really..."

"Don't say it," Fili said coldly.

Kili snapped. "What?"

"I said, that you mustn't repeat it."

"Why? They..."

"Just stop it!" Fili shouted angrily overwhelmed by what just happened.

"Fili, what happened?"

He had to ask? Fili couldn't believe his brother was that stupid. He kissed someone other than him! Even if he said that he loved him just a few hours ago. But wait, wasn't that then just brotherly love that Kili felt? And what? Letting his friends say that his present was childish even though it was worth a kings present as Thorin said? He only could laugh. The feelings of distrust and heartbreaking overwhelmed him and he couldn't think clear. His brain refused to work.

"Fili?" His brother touched his shoulder not sure, what he should do.

"Don't touch me!" Fili yelled in a dark voice he had never used in front of his dear brother. "Don't touch me ever again!"

Kili startled, looking pale and still innocent. "Tell me, what happened that made you so angry."

The laughter of the three dwarfs echoed in his head again. Pictures of his brother kissing this girl followed. On top of that the two friends of Kili appeared on the streets again looking from Kili to Fili and back to their friend.

"What happened?" the girl asked innocently.

"Dunno," Kili replied.

"If you don't want to wake the whole village, you should lower your voice, bro," the boy said to Fili.

"Shut up," he snapped, turning away and heading home.

"Just don't shut up me," the boy hissed.

"Then what about go fuck yourself?" Fili replied angrily.

"Fili!" His brother looked truly shocked and hurt about Fili's harsh words just as Fili expected he would. His own brother shielded his friends before him. He couldn't understand. Even if Kili did something wrong, Fili would always protect him, no matter what. He doubted that Kili feel even something like brotherly love for him, maybe just some responsibility for his kin, playing with and using Fili's feelings. He could not hold it any longer and let his anger flee freely from his mouth.

"You, too, brother. Just go fuck that bitch and don't come near me ever again!" he yelled at him.

"WHAT?" Kili doubted his own ears. They must have heard wrong. His brother would never say such things, not even if he was angry at him. He would always let him speak out his mind, he would listen to him and not just walking away as he did this moment. "Fili! Wait!" He chased his friends off and ran after Fili, who was a little ahead of him.

He reached out for Fili's arm, grabbed him and tossed him around. "Tell me now!" Kili pleaded. But all he could see was hatred. Pure hatred.

Fili roared and pulled his arm away and got Kili hit into his face. Kili fell on the ground, surprised and speechless.

"What are you doing?" that dwarfen girl screamed. "Hitting your own brother? How low is that?" She reached Kili and lifted him up on his arm.

"Mael, go. Please." Kili said calmly, but resting his eyes onto his brother.

"No."

"Just leave."

"No!"

"Mael! It's fine. He's my brother."

Yes, he was his brother. And just this. Fili couldn't stand this. "You should listen to what your nightmare-screaming-friend said, Mael," Fili said in a deadly voice he was sure did not belong to himself, but was very pleased with that look on Kili's and Mael's face.

"What...?"

"What what? Didn't he tell you that he even in this age fears lightning and thunder? And that he's unable to sleep if the window is open at night? He also hates the dark of the night."

"That is..." Mael replied doubtfully.

"Fili! How could you...?"

"No, how could YOU!?" Fili shouted back.

"You swore to never speak about this!" Kili yelled in rage stepping closer to his brother.

"Just shut up already!" Fili got mad even more. His brother was so close, that he couldn't think, couldn't stand it anymore and his hand slipped again. He tossed him away, but this time Kili was prepared. He didn't move more than a few inches and hit his brother back with his fist. He didn't really aim at Fili, but he slammed his fist into his chin. Fili tripped, his eyes filled with bitterness as he looked down on his little brother, who just betrayed him.

"GO!" Kili shouted at Mael. She looked rather confused and decided to leave the scene and not to get involved into this trouble any longer. She took the boy at hand and left the streets, while the two brothers where still fighting with each other. They used their fists, they wrestled and at the end both of them were lying on the ground bleeding and breathing heavily.

Rain began to pour down.

Kili said not a single word as he got up and left the street heading home. He thought that maybe their heads would cool down and they could talk at each other in the morning even if, what Fili did, was unacceptable. He didn't understand, what Fili had driven to yell at him like that and bubbling about his secrets he didn't want anyone to hear. They were only meant for his brothers ears.

Oh Fili, he sighed, what have you done? His own heart ached as if it would jump out of his chest and falling to the ground in that disgusting black mud.

He didn't care about his mothers terrified looks or her sharp shout at Thorin, who was still waiting for his nephews in the living room.

"What..." said Thorin as he saw Kili's bleeding nose and lips and the bruises on his arms and neck. "What happened? Where is your brother?"

But Kili didn't answer. He just tossed the hand of his mother away and went straight into his bedroom, closed the door and slowly sat down on the floor like an old man, leaning his head on the cold wooden wall, fighting the tears back, but didn't win. He cried helplessly and lonely into the night.

He couldn't hear Thorin leaving the house and looking for his lost nephew.

oOo

Thorin found Fili sitting on the street in the darkness of a rainy night, soaked to the bones and shivering of the cold and his overwhelming feeling of betrayal and the emptiness of his heart. He would have given his life to save his dear bother, he would have even given Erebor just to have him by his side. But those thoughts seemed now silly and unbelievable.

Thorin sighed as he watched Fili carefully and as he was sure his nephew wasn't seriously hurt on the outside.

His inside was surely damaged.

"Mind you telling me what happened?" Thorin asked in his deep, calm voice, when he knelled down in front of Fili.

The boy avoided his gaze. "I can't, uncle."

"You had a fight with Kili." This was not a question so Fili did not need to answer. "Tell me why," Thorin pleaded.

"I'm sorry. I can't tell you," the young dwarf mumbled more to himself. "This can not be fixed. Not by you, not by mom, nor by time."

Thorin took a deep breath and reached out for Fili just to hug him like he did, when Fili was younger and frightened of the night, when Kili was just too small to distract him from his own fear or the howls of the wolves outside in the woods. Fili hid his face in the fur of Thorin's cloak and sobbed dreadfully. His uncle patted his head until the sobs and the crying of his nephew died away. This took awhile.

"Dwarfes have a long life span and you both are young. You shouldn't say that time can't heal what was damaged today," he said softly squeezing his nephew slightly and then he looked into his swollen eyes.

"Please, could you let me stay at Dwalin's home for some time?" Fili pleaded low-voiced.

Thorin bit his lip. This was getting more serious than he could ever imagine. "Of course. Even if I think you should talk to your brother first."

Fili shook his head. "Let me stay at Dwalin's house for awhile, I beg you."

oOo

Kili had always admired his big brother, who was tall, straightforward, honest and even of his young age a good fighter and hunter. He would have always glanced at him, when Fili thought he was alone or wasn't watched. Kili did watch him. He loved his brother wholeheartedly and enjoyed each second of his accompany, in sleep and while awake. There was a reason he never really wanted to sleep in his own bed nor to get his own bedroom. There was nothing he wanted to hide from his brother as for one thing: his pure love for him. He could never bring himself to say it out loud. He feared Fili would turn him down, never speaking to him again, even too ashamed to look at him again, to look at his childish, silly younger brother.

Fili was always the serious one and Kili was sure, that his older brother wasn't thinking the same way as he did. Even as he confessed his love for him in the forest at the day of his twentieth birthday, Fili fell silent and he didn't pull him aside the whole day to tell him, that he felt the same or gave him another reply, or maybe just to reject him. In the morning he went so far as to give him a shy light kiss on the lips, because he was so happy about his birthday present, that he had forgotten himself and that they were still brothers. And then no reply. No word. No kissing back.

But again Kili remembered his brothers angry expression about... what? He just didn't get it why his brother exploded like this. It hurt him. It truly did. And he would never have thought that his brother would hit him with force like he just did. No, this wasn't his calm and lovely brother anymore. Something must have happened. And one thought crossed his mind. His confession. That might be the reason he got this angry. Maybe Fili oppressed his hatred all day long and let it out in an outburst, in an act of violence. "Could this mean Fili really doesn't love me?" Kili thought. But, of course, there was no answer. The night wouldn't bother to give him an answer.

Wrapping his arms around his knees Kili began to cry again and no one dared to disturb him.

oOo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading the first chapter. I would appreciate if you'd read the next, too ;-) Or do you not want to know, what will happen next?


	2. Stabbed

oOo

With swollen eyes he went to the bathroom just to meet Thorin unfortunately, who was washing his face in the morning. He didn't look lively at all even though Thorin wasn't a morning person and Kili knew his morning face pretty well. This wasn't his usual early face. If Kili didn't knew it better, he could swear, Thorin had cried, too, or at least had a painful and sleepless night.

"Mornin'," Kili mumbled taking one of the buckets to get water for bathing.

"Your brother will stay at Dwalin's for a while," he said calmly watching Kili's face. His voice was a bit rough.

"I do not care," Kili whispered. That was true. He came to the understanding, that Fili hated him for his confession and his abnormal feelings for him. He shouldn't just had those feelings and that was why he used those cruel words. And he hated him for that.

Thorin grabbed his wrist in beginning rage. "What on earth happened?" Water dripped out of his beard, still his eyes were looking at him confused and a bit angry. He wasn't really angry but... concerned.

"Uncle, please," Kili begged. "Do not make it any worse. Let him stay at Dwalin's house. Let him stay there the rest of his life. I do not care! Because, if I see him again I might... kill him."

"You don't mean it."

"I do."

"Why?"

"Because... I do not want to be his brother anymore."

"I know you're angry, but he is your brother, nothing will change that fact."

Kili fell silent standing there with the bucket in his hand.

Thorin sighed, he pulled Kili in his arms stroking his back. "Think about it at least and in the meantime don't kill him. Stay away from him if you want, but I wish that you both stop that fighting. Understand?"

"Yes," he lied.

oOo

Fili stayed at Dwalin's house the next couple of weeks, coming home, if he was sure, that Kili wasn't there. At first Dís and Thorin still wanted to know, what exactly happened, that tore them apart in one evening. He refused to say.

He was still angry about Kili's betrayal and on top of that, he made an unexpected and unpleasant discovery. He found the dagger Kili had sworn to treasure his whole life not far from his house in the mud, tossed away like something dirty by his now hated brother. He refused to believe, that he just dropped it accidentally. The location where it was laying was too weird. He picked the childish silvery dagger up and turned it in his hands, wiping the mud away. His fingers touched lightly the enrichment of the dragon and felt the tiny dragon scales and its wriggling tail around the grip.

Fili's face turned to stone as he saw Kili walking his way absorbed in his thoughts. then he got in rage and tossed the dagger into the fountain before Kili's very eyes. Kili yelled at him in return, calling him stupid and a fucking bastard.

Fili didn't care. His heart was already dead. He just punched him and the two of them got into a fight again. He could see the bleeding lips that kissed that girl weeks before holding her in an embrace and hearing that stupid giggling, he was know sure, was because of Kili's telling of his brothers 'stupid' face, that he made, when Kili kissed him in the morning of his birthday. This thought gave him the strength for fighting his brother till his vision was blurred with that girl kissing his brothers lips. He felt so mad, that he lost control about his actions, don't seeing his brother as his brother anymore.

Fili slugged him until Kili laid down in the mud just like the dagger. His brothers breathing was heavy, blood run from his lips down his chin, one eye swollen, the dark locks dirtied with the mud. Fili really damaged that beautiful face of his dear brother, he swore to protect forever and never let something harm him. Because of this irony he could only laugh.

Kili tried to move. His whole body ached from this beating, but he won't admit his defeat. He denied it and attempted to move one of his legs or even to clench his fist. His body resisted. And then he heard that frightening laughter of his brother that tore his heart anew apart. He pressed his lips together, mobilized his remaining powers and jumped to his feet. This movement surprised Fili and he couldn't block Kili's stroke against his celiac plexus. Immobilized from pain Fili struggled back gasping for breath. His brother punched him again, reflecting his wrath in his beatings, letting it flow through his fists into Fili's body he had adored so much. But then Fili took control, kicking Kili's leg and smashing him to the ground into the mud again. With his power gone Kili could do nothing than lay down, looking up at his furious brother, who stood there trembling and heavy breathing.

But Fili turned and nothing left as the noise of his disappearing footsteps in the distance.

oOo

Dwalin came back home as he saw Fili's dirtied boots in the entrance. It was a bit strange to have a young dwarf around him, that got just through his adolescence and having problems with his brother. He had quarrels with Balin, too, but this was extraordinary even though he didn't really knew what really happened. He accepted Fili as his guest and fosterling and was slightly a bit proud, that among all the dwarfs, who severed and were friends with Thorin, Fili chose him. Among that it was nonetheless a heavy responsibility that laid on his shoulder to watch over the heir of Durin, the nephew of the king.

He found Fili in the bathroom with the door wide open and bare-chested. He had bruises all over his upper body, swollen lips and blood on his knuckles. His hair was a mess and he slowly picked his beads out of his blonde hair to remove the knots and the mud. He looked really dreadful.

"Got into a fight with him again?" Dwalin asked softly.

His face said more than enough.

Dwalin knew Fili and Kili since they were small and he also knew, that Fili was always still, calm and acted thoughtfully. This fighting with his brother only displayed his inner struggle and his deep feeling to his younger brother, but still Dwalin was afraid that both of them injured themselves too much, before they recognized, what they truly were feeling. That was why he never said anything to Fili. He hoped, that one day Fili would talk to Dwalin on his own motivation, because he knew, if he would drag him to talk to him, Fili wouldn't speak or even listen to what Dwalin said.

"I'll make something to eat," said Dwalin.

"I'm not hungry."

"C'mon, lad. Your uncle will send me to the mines, if he sees you getting thinner and thinner. You have to eat." He didn't wait for an answer, because he knew, Fili would obey his command to eat even if he won't eat that much.

Fili saw his face on the polished silver plate on the wall, that was used as a mirror. He really looked like some low life, maybe like a goblin or something. And as he thought about the face of his brother, he had beaten, he couldn't hold his tears anymore.

Incredible pain was wandering through his veins and his body, as he realized, how much he really loved his little brother. He missed him everyday and so much, that he couldn't even sleep properly still missing the warmth of his younger brother next to him, his lightsnore, the mess of his hair and even the giggling of his little brother, that held him awake for hours, when he just wanted nothing more than to sleep.

He spent nearly every second with thinking about this evening, that separated him from his brother and he knew now, that he was at fault. There was surely an explanation for Kili's behavior and even for the giggling of his friends. He knew Kili since he was nothing more than a little baby with wrinkles and hands so small and cute, that he had to cuddle him all the time. He wasn't a sly boy, who would betray his own brother. Kili was an honest and straightforward person, who said always the truth even if it may hurt someone. He remembered that shocked face, when he discard his precious dagger into the fountain and knew now, that he really loved that weapon. Yeah, Fili was at fault. He let his own emotions overwhelm his mind. He had maybe just been jealous.

oOo

Thorin came back early this evening just to see Kili stripped at the fountain near their house. Dwalin was knotting a rope around Kili's waist as Thorin passed by.

"What in Durin's name are you two doing?" he asked while going to the fountain.

Kili bit his lip not sure if he wanted Thorin to watch.

"The lad dropped somethin'," Dwalin said, checking if the knots could keep Kili's weight.

"Dropped? In the fountain?" Thorin glanced at Kili's swollen face and got a warning glance from Dwalin not to ask. Thorin sighed slightly and decided at least to help. "The water is deep and cold, not to mention pretty dark at this time of the day. I'm not sure if you will see something."

"Oh, really?" Kili hissed impatient.

"Calm down, lad," Dwalin said. "We only want to help you."

The young dwarf gave a little sigh and looked into the dark of the fountain not sure if he really wanted to go up there. He was still afraid of the darkness even if he knew he shouldn't, he was still a dwarf. "I know. Sorry."

"Go on, lad. We will keep you safe."

Dwalin and Thorin made sure to slowly let the rope into the dark fountain. Kili trembled slightly using his arms to keep a distance to the cold walls, that surrounded him. And then his foot touched the cold surface of the water. He shivered of the cold and began to swim breathing fitfully. He wished he had tossed Fili in here to get his dagger back, then he took a deep breath and dived into the cold, dark water underneath him.

Thorin was right. He couldn't see anything, not even his hand right before his eyes and the water was deep as it was dark. He came back to the surface. "I have to go deeper," he yelled to his uncle and Dwalin. They gave him more rope and Kili dived again, feeling the cold sticking his skin and his lungs. He plunged even deeper, as he realized, it was much deeper, than he thought it would be. His fingers touched the ground, but he couldn't hold his breath any longer. He wasn't used to diving and he wasn't sure if any other dwarf was used.

Thorin watched nervously, how his nephew dived and came back to the surface several times trying to find, what he had lost.

"Do you know, what it is?" Thorin asked his friend.

Dwalin smiled. "I think you know exactly, what it is."

"So there is hope?"

"They are brothers."

"But some brothers never find there way back together," Thorin said.

"Tell me, what do you think?"

"What I think doesn't matter."

"No, but you can tell me every time, my friend."

Thorin nodded thankfully at his comrade and friend. "How is Fili doing?"

"Thinking."

"Thinking?"

"All the time." Dwalin sighed slowly. "But at least he's eating."

oOo

Fighting was the only thing that kept Fili from thinking to much. He came slowly to the resolution, that he had lost everything, he always treasured. With losing Kili he had also lost the warmth of his home with his mother and Thorin, but also his self-confidence and the reason to live. It hurt him painfully, what he had done to Kili. Not even slapping and fighting, but also didn't he hear him out as he always did. He had made too many mistakes and now Kili hated him as much as he hated him at the evening and the days after his birthday. And now he couldn't go back, because he knew just an apology wasn't enough to get his forgiveness. And this was, why he got himself into trouble over and over again. His painful thoughts would stop during the fights he fought with no reason with pub goers or other dwarfs, who were willing to fight with him. He didn't care about his own bleeding lips, swollen eyes, scratches, bruises, his aching head, belly or wrist. He just didn't care. He just sank into this comfortable pain, that kept him from thinking to much, what he had done wrong and that nothing but darkness laid upon him and his future. Without Kili he was nothing more like a shadow and Fili made his light in life hate him.

He got to another the pub again, drank some ale, got into trouble and got beaten up again. He took the pain with pleasure, it somehow punished him for what he did.

Dwalin, Dís and Thorin watched his behavior with wary eyes. And it happened really often that Thorin or Dwalin were called to get him out of serious trouble. But he wouldn't stop, maybe for a few days, but he would look for trouble all over again, knowing that his fear of loosing Kili and their crashed relationship would toss him into a deep dark nightmare he couldn't escape, if he wasn't able to stop envisioning. He feared his sleep and even the days he spend in loneliness, fearing his thoughts of meeting Kili and maybe out of rage taking his life. His emotions were just overwhelming and he shivered of the notion he would kill his beloved brother.

oOo

Kili got a serious cold after the bath in the fountain and this fever banned him to the bed he had sworn, never to get in again. It reeked of his brother and he couldn't stand his smell anymore. He had used the floor as his bed and only a new blanket to cover himself. His mother had no clue, that he wasn't using the only bed in their, no, in his room anymore. There was no need for. He also was unwilling to forgive him tossing the dagger into the dark of the fountain and then coming this far as to hit him a second time. Yes, Kili didn't say sweet things to him and he could have used this situation to talk to him properly, but as he saw his movement, he wasn't able to react in a proper way. Fili just didn't know, what his present meant to him and why he treasured it as Smaug the gold of Erebor.

His body felt so hot and the dizziness of his head gave him dream dreadful dreams. He wasn't able to remember them clearly, but his wild dreams and his screams let neither Thorin nor Dís sleep at night. And they refused to say, what he was shouting in his nightmares. Dís kept by his side at nights, but neither her calm whispers nor her lullaby could keep him from his nightmares and Kili knew that only Fili was able to take them away from him. No, Kili objected to himself. He could make the nightmares go away by himself. There was no need for his older brother to ever come back. He could just go on in avoiding his present and his gaze. He squeezed the dagger and in an unwilling movement he tossed the dagger straight trough his room in a dark corner, where he would left it until he forgot about this tiny weapon. There was no need for his brother or something he made.

Oin came very often to check on his patient, even Dwalin and Balin visited him and sometimes Ori appeared telling him the rumors of the village and quite amusing stories and Kili thought, that he hadn't laughed so hard and so much in the past few weeks. It was quite fun and soon Kili forget about that silvery thing, that just was laying there and waited patiently for his owner.

oOo

Another month went by and Kili managed to avoid seeing his brother just as his brother avoided him. But then it happened and his mind got blank, he stumbled and fell to the ground. In the dark he could see his blond brother kissing a dwarfen whore, who was more than willingly to open her legs for him and he took her. At first he thought he mistook somebody else for his brother, but he could see the untidy braids, his shoulders and the profile of his face. There was no mistake, even if Kili pleaded to the Gods that he had made a mistake.

Kili's legs wouldn't move as he commanded. He just sat there and watched as his older brother lifted the dress of that whore, kissing her neck and cheek. Kili gasped and something inside of him crashed again, leaving his heart empty with nothing more than pain. He had felt like this before and every day that had passed since his birthday whenever he thought about his brother. He clenched his fist and dashed it to the ground not caring about the blood, that was spilled, when he hurt himself. The whore moaned with pleasure. He saw their movements, but his legs were not able to move or to lift Kili's weight. The groaning got louder and louder. Kili pressed his hands on his ears, pretending not to hear how his beloved brother was fucking that whore ecstatically. And with a loud groan it was over and Fili and that whore vanished as soon as they got dressed again.

Kili was left alone in the dark, sitting on the street, still pressing the hands above his ears, unable to move and the face wet from his painful tears.

oOo

In this night neither of them could sleep. Kili was starring at the ceiling, pretending that nothing had happened and that he hadn't seen his brother screwing a women, he even refused to believe that Fili had touched someone else than him. But he did and nothing would change that fact. He couldn't lie to himself. Kili felt somehow betrayed and lonely as he came the conclusion, that his brothers feeling went at a dead end, he was over and done with Kili, maybe he never felt anything that Kili did feel for him. Even though he watched them from afar, he could still clearly remember Fili's passionate face, as he kissed the lips and the neck of that whore, and that made him angry. Kili rose to wander unsettled in his room, just to tear his hair, mumbling and badmouthing his brother. He even got this far as to grab the waiting dagger in the corner, starring at him and tossing it away again. The metal made a loud noise as it crashed against the stone wall and Kili was sure, he woke his uncle or mother, but they didn't came. Kili fell tired on the bed grabbing the blanket and the pillow to press his face into it, smelling Fili's scent, that was still everywhere. It drove him crazy. Angrily he tossed the pillow in the corner, just to cuddle the blanket and to pick up the scent of his older brother again. He new his scent and he totally loved it. It reminded him of the spring and a sunny day under the trees while they were playing Thorin's and Thrain's fight against imagined orc pack. Yeah, it reminded him of happy days, Fili's smiling, his blond, waving hair and his calm, soft voice. It reminded him of the hands on his back, when he had hugged and comforted him. Kili sobbed into the blanket and wanted nothing more than Fili to come back. But that was impossible, Kili knew.

He couldn't forgive him. Shortly after that he fell in a restless sleep.

oOo

It was quite a beautiful day as Fili said on bank at the small river, throwing little stones into the silvery shining water, hearing the small plop as they touched the surface and watching it sank into the cold. He had been here before and he could vaguely remember, that it has been peaceful hours. A light breeze moved his hair and he felt, that he wasn't alone anymore.

Fili turned and saw his brother stepping out of the woods. A spider web hang in his hair and a small bruise was shown on his right cheek.

"I was looking for you," said Kili coming nearer to his brother.

Fili looked at him sadly into his eyes. "Why?"

"I want you to come home."

"Why?" he asked again.

The rustling of the trees, the whispers of the river. He already knew these sounds and he knew what would follow.

"Because it's home and that is where you belong, where we both belong," his younger brother said touching softly Fili's head. "I've missed you, Fili."

Fili let him touch his skin. He enjoyed this tickling feeling even if he knew.

"Come home with me."

"I would love to," Fili said.

"Then come with me," whispered Kili, moving his head forward and kissing Fili's lips softly.

The blond dwarf couldn't resist even if he knew, what would happen. With eager force he kissed his brother grabbing his neck and gave him a squeeze as strong as he could. He felt the warmth of his body and he even smelled Kili's scent, but... Kili's tongue moved into his mouth and Fili let out a small moaning. How he had missed him!

"I love you," Kili whispered. He gazed at him with those brown, sparkling eyes, kissing the corner of his mouth, where it left a prickling feeling. "I love you," he repeated.

Fili hugged him again, showering him with kisses, grabbing his hair till Kili slightly moaned of the strong pressure.

A low giggling came from behind Kili's back. A giggling that grew louder and louder.

Kili stopped the kissing, then he grinned and his face turned into a mask of revulsion.

"You're so disgusting," said the boys voice coming from the forest. "He's your brother, you stupid freak!"

"I couldn't stand a brother like you," Mael said, while she was walking straight to Kili, laying a hand on his shoulders.

"And you took me for your brother," the whore, he had, reminded him, sitting on a stone a few meters away. She has never been in this dream before.

"Shouldn't you be the one who protect his little brother?" Mael hissed as usual. "But instead you're hurting him even more!"

Fili stepped back. He had this dream every night and every night he hoped, that it wouldn't be just a dream. Well, for some parts.

"You're disgusting," repeated that boy. "You don't deserve someone like Kili."

"Kili belongs to us," said Mael embracing Kili, while biting softly his neck and kissing his ears. "He's ours."

"Come on, boy," said the whore, playing with her dark locks. "Just take me instead. I'm as good as him. Just fuck me like you want to do it with him."

"Shut up," said Fili still moving back. He didn't want this dream to end like usual.

The whore stood up and slowly moved her hips, as she walked to Fili, touching his chest with her finger. "Be a good boy," she susurrated smiling. "Come with me."

"No."

"Of course not," the boy giggled. "He wants his brother."

"And I want him," Kili said.

Fili looked at him with surprise to find his brother now smiling face. This answer was new, too.

"Go away from him," hissed the whore trying to pull him away, but Kili just glared at her and she left.

"He will hurt you," said the boy out loud.

"Don't go, Kili," pleaded Mael, but she didn't hold him back. "Remember what he did to you!"

"He is mine," said Kili to them. "He only belongs to me."

As Fili heard those words his eyes were filled with tears. Kili moved closer to him. He hugged him and held him close, he gently touched Fili's head to stroke his soft hair. "I love you, Fili," he whispered.

"I..."

His brother let him not the time for an answer.

Fili heard that sound and couldn't belief what happened, he felt hot pain in his belly and as he looked down, he saw the dragon dagger, that was stabbed in his body till the grip. Blood flooded slowly from this wound, when Kili kissed his brother one last time. He smiled. "Please, die for me. I hate to see your face." He moved his hand and shoved him on his shoulder backwards. Fili trembled and fell into the river, the water was cold and dark. It grasped him with dead, cold fingers and sucked him down into the deep of the water. While in pain he tried to move his hands and legs to swim to the surface, but still the water was pulling him down to the ground in never ending darkness. Fili couldn't breath, he tried, but he couldn't respire. Water everywhere and that ache in his belly immobilized him and made sure he won't reach the surface ever again. In this dark he saw his red blood gleaming and heard the giggling again and Kili's voice, whispering something he could not understand. The cold fingers opened his mouth and Fili felt the water filling his lungs and he knew he would die. Fear overwhelmed him, he tried to scream but no word would come out. He fought against the darkness and the cold, he felt how the life was drained from his body and he could do nothing, just dying as Kili wished. His vision blurred and all he could see was darkness.

oOo


	3. Beyond all hope

oOo

Three weeks were passing by. He was with Ori as he left the house for a walk trough the village. It was late afternoon as they crossed the lively market buying apples and potatoes as his mother told him. He glanced at the so called Halls of Thorin and hid his smile while he slightly coughed behind his hand. As a prince of Durin he was a little proud of what Thorin and his family build up in the Ered Luin, the Blue Mountains.

"You're still ill?" Ori asked.

"No, I'm fine. Do you want something to drink? I'm really thirsty." Kili smiled at Ori.

"What about the potatoes and stuff?"

"Na, don't worry. We'll be back before lunch. It's fine."

"Then let's go to The Sleeping Bear. They have honey wine."

"What are you?" Kili giggled. "A human?"

"Did you taste it? Its great!"

"No, but I know that Fili... Ah, never mind," he said with a stoned face looking at some random people passing by.

"Have you heard anything from Mael yet?" Ori tried to change the subject and Kili knew why. He was thankful.

"Not yet. I hope she's fine."

"Yeah, me too. It's a long way to Gondor, she said. I don't even know where this is."

Kili smiled back at Ori. "I could ask uncle. He seemed to know everything 'bout Middle Earth."

"Yeah and then he will tell you the history of this whatever as well and the kin of Gondor."

"Oh, you're right. It could take hours to get away from him."

"From whom?" a dark voice asked behind him.

Kili flinched and hold his breath for a second.

"Good... good evening," Ori said quickly bowing and looking nervous and pale to his king. He was still not used to talk to Thorin.

"Uncle," said Kili innocently. "Where is Gondor?"

"Why would you want to know?" he asked back.

"A friend of ours went there."

Thorin raised an eyebrow. "To Gondor? It's the land of humans."

"Well..."

"It's far in the southeast, maybe thousand miles away."

"Thousand?" the two dwarfes said with one mouth.

"I guess you won't hear from your friend for a long time."

"I see..."

"You want to go somewhere else?" Thorin asked his nephew.

"Well, yes."

"Then give me the purchase. I'm heading home."

"Thank you."

"Take care," he said softly and gave him a light smile. He nodded at Ori and left them.

"He is so cool," Ori said impressed.

Kili gave a slight giggle again. It felt good to giggle and he felt how the painful nights of dreaming about his brother vanished smoothly. But then again he thought about those nightmares, that were haunting him and those sleepless nights, which seemed to never end. He remembered the times, when he just cuddled up to Fili until he calmed down, and soon he would just fell asleep in his brothers embrace with a smile on his face, knowing, that Fili wouldn't leave him and still lay beside him, when he would wake up the morning. But that laid in the past, it didn't matter anymore. He kicked a stone to Ori and saw him smiling brightfully, when they both played with that stone until they reached the pub.

They both enjoyed each others company as they sat and drank their ale and honey wine listening to and singing the songs of their ancestors. The Sleeping Bear was full with dwarfs and the smoke of their pipes and the smell of ale. Kili had missed this life, that was floating through the air, filling him with hopes of a worriless future without Fili.

But still whenever he thought about him his heart would race or at least hurt so much that he clenched his fist against his chest breathing slowly and closing his eyes for a few seconds.

Well, the love for his brother was meant to hold for a lifetime. But he would forget about him. He was sure. As soon as he grew up, he would leave the village and find his happiness in another area of the Ered Luin. He didn't need his brother. No, he didn't need him anymore.

oOo

"Fili, no. I beg you," his mother said sobbing dreadfully.

"Why?" Thorin's voice was still calm even though he felt incredibly helpless.

"Because... it's my decision," said Fili sitting at the table with his mother and his uncle.

"Why can't you just stay here?"

"It's no use, mom. Please let me go. I'm old enough."

"No," said Thorin glancing at his older nephew.

"Uncle..."

"I said no!" he bellowed.

"I have to."

"I forbid you to go and even if I'm not your father then take this as an order from your king, but don't you dare leave this village! I won't allow this."

"Please."

Thorin shook his head. His long dark hair flew slighly around his head, just like Kili's.

Fili sighed and got up.

"Talk to your brother," Thorin said calmly anew.

"I can't."

"Just talk to him. If you do that, you may leave."

"Thorin!" Dís shouted looking at him with surprise and shock.

"I understand." Fili gave a light smile. "You know, uncle, I've never seen you like my uncle or the king, but as a father. Thank you for everything." then he left. At least he could say what he wanted to another beloved person of his.

Thorin felt incredibly tired even though he heard the best thing in his life just a few seconds ago. "What have I done?" he murmured to himself allowing his head to rest in his hands. He really allowed one of his beloved nephews to go, to leave him and his family. He knew it wasn't right and he regretted his words as soon as they left his mouth. But most of all he feared that Fili wouldn't listen, that he would not talk to his brother as he had promised to him. But he couldn't tie them together until one brother told the other brother what was going on, could he? He caught Dís gaze and grabbed her hand. "I'm sorry," he said. "I might have made a big mistake."

oOo

Fili knew he had to go now. There was no other choice. If he would see his brother again, he would definitively struggle and maybe get into a fight with him again for no reason. He was truly sorry for what he did. He ashamed himself and hurt his brother the most painful way in disbelieving and even in hitting him hard. He spilled the blood of his own brother, something he could not forgive himself.

He went to Dwalin's home and packed the few things he possessed and took the swords Thorin made for him a few years ago. Then there stood Dwalin in the doorway with arms crossed before his chest.

"Wanna go, lad?"

Fili gulped in fear he would want to hold him back. "Yeah."

"Did you have a talk with your brother, as you promised Thorin?"

"How...?"

Dwalin smiled a little. "Even if I have no kids, I know, what I would say, if you told me, you wanna leave."

"I see."

"Talk to him."

"I can't."

"Lad, not that again. I won't let you go before you had a little chat with your brother. You know that Balin is my older brother and we often had quarrels, too, when we were little. But even if our quarrels were not that serious, I can imagine how hard it is not to talk or to be with his own brother. And that is why I have to insist, that you will speak your mind free before you leave. You will regret not having talked to him for the rest of your life."

"You don't understand."

"I understand very well," Dwalin said softly. "I know that you love him really deeply and that you do not want to hurt him anymore. But you will cause him even more pain if you just leave."

"I can't look him into his eyes anymore," Fili mumbled. "I've done terrible things to him and I'm sure he doesn't want to hear, what I say."

"As soon as you explain everything to him, he will understand and maybe forgive you. It's Kili after all."

"Dwalin, its to late for this kind of talk."

"Its never to late, lad. You both are alive and as long as this doesn't change, its not to late. Believe me."

"I'm sorry..."

"Fili, do you think, I didn't hear you scream at night? That I slept while you were screaming in your bed, yelling Kili's name? I know you're in pain, lad, that's why you have to talk. Just give it a try."

oOo

The Sleeping bear was full with drunken dwarfs and a few of them were standing outside the pub talking and singing as they did on the inside. Fili remembered one of them with whom he had a little fight with three days ago. He remembered also, that it hadn't been a fair fight. Fili cheated. And that was why the other dwarf turned at him and smashed his fist right into Fili's face. The younger dwarf stumbled a few steps and got hit in his stomach. Fili coughed up at that sudden impact, but prepared for his other fist. He ducked and slammed his foot into the belly of the other dwarf just to see, that his friends turned against Fili and fought him to the ground.

His plan to find his brother failed.

oOo

"What happened?" asked Ori as he saw, that several dwarfs on the street were fighting.

"Dunno," Kili replied.

"Oh no."

"What?"

"Don't say its Nori. I saw him earlier in the pub. I..." with this words Ori left the corner and struggled through the room. Kili a little worried followed him.

Two dwarfs were still stepping on someone lying on the ground, who was miserably coughing.

"Enough!" said Kili, who wasn't sure, was lying on the ground. All he could think of was that it might be Nori and he didn't want anybody to hurt Ori's brother. Then he saw him, covered in blood, his hair a mess again and his cloth dirty like a mongrel.

The other dwarfs spit on him, then moving away in laughter, leaving their victim in despair.

Kili starred at his brother, who was really in pain, breathing hard and slowly moving.

I do not care, he told himself, as like in an instinct his body moved an inch to help Fili to get up. No, don't do it, his inner voice said.

I can't leave him, said another voice in his head.

He will hurt you again. Just leave him, said the first voice again.

He is your brother, help him! screamed the second voice.

No. He was with that women...

"Don't you wanna help him?" Ori asked in surprise.

"No. He deserved it," Kili replied and then turned away. "Let's go."

"But..."

"C'mon. It's getting cold and I don't wanna freeze to death."

oOo

Fili heard his brothers voice and this hurt him more than all the bruises he got this evening. He shook his head in disbelief. There was no brotherly bond between them, not anymore. He had really lost the most precious thing in his world and no words nor actions would bring him back. He could die today and he was sure, Kili wouldn't care as he hadn't cared for the blood Fili spilled this evening. Rough laughter came from his mouth, as he shielded his head still laying on the ground against the slowly pouring rain, that just started. These raindrops became one with Fili's tears as he now realized that everything was hopeless and his love was lost forever.

Fili got slowly up, feeling the distress of his body as he moved his legs and arms. Surely he didn't want to die on the street like a mongrel.

And Dwalin was wrong.

oOo

"You're late," said Thorin as Kili moved into the kitchen to grab a bite planning to go into his bedroom next. He wanted to forget his brothers face as soon as possible and he rather wanted his nightmares back than to remember the impression he just got.

"I've been with Ori. You saw me earlier," he replied with his mouth full of bread.

"Did you talk to Fili?"

Kili spilled half of his food to the ground. "What?" The picture of Fili laying on the ground came to his mind again. All this blood... his painful and hurt expression... Kili shivered slightly.

"Did you?"

"No."

Thorin fell silent and took a deep breath. He seemed to grow older in just a second and he just looked so... afflicted.

Kili didn't want to ask, but he did. "Why? What happened?"

"He is leaving."

"To Dwalin's."

"No."

"Then I don't understand."

"He's leaving us."

Kili looked into his uncles eyes. There were no words to describe the sorrow showing on Thorin's face. "Leaving? The village? Oh."

His uncle clenched his fist. "Just stop this," he pleaded. "I can't take it any longer, that both of you were suffering even though you love each other so deeply, not just like brothers, I knew for a long time. I just can't take it anymore. Please, go, find Fili and talk to him. He needs you more than you can imagine."

"You... No, you're wrong. There is nothing left."

"Kili, please. Listen to your heart. Forget about whatever happened."

"How would you know, what I feel?"

"I just do."

Kili fell silent looking at his muddy boots. He had forgotten to remove them bevore coming in. His mother would surely yell at him.

"Kili, talk to him. He will leave us. Maybe we won't ever see him again and I can't hold him back. I would have to tie him up, throw him into the dungeons to make him stay. You're the only one, who can stop this. Please, Kili!"

"And you would allow...?"

"Of course. I love both of you like you were my sons. If this is what makes you both happy I'll gladly allow it. And this isn't something one has to allow."

"And you're sure, that... uhm...he... uhm..."

"Yes. I heard from Dwalin."

Kili hugged Thorin on spontaneous reaction and then left the room. He had to find his precious love.

oOo

In panic Kili took the wrong way into the forest, that wasted his time and he feared he wouldn't make it anymore and miss Fili. The rain changed to drizzle and stopped in the early hours of the morning as a small vein of light crossed the horizon. That was when Kili out of breath dashed through the wet bushes in search for his older brother. He did not care for the cold of his wet clothes nor the tiredness in his muscles or his burning lungs. He must find his brother at all costs!

And there he stood. Of course he had heard the noise Kili was making as he rumbled through the undergrowth. His face was pale and Kili stopped not knowing what to do. But he wanted nothing more than to embrace his trashed brother.

"Go back," said Fili not knowing what to do either or how to react on that sudden appearance. The easiest way was just to reject him, before it was to late on turning his back on him and also fearing, he might just be another illusion. He faced away. "Leave."

"No, you stupid idiot," Kili yelled at him moving forward to grab Fili's arm.

"Let go of me," said Fili not turning back to his brother. He wasn't real, he was just an illusion like in his dark nights full of nightmares. Oh, please, let this end now, by Durins name! He surely had a fever from the heavy rain of this night. His clothes were all wet and heavy. He even fell too hot.

"No!"

"I said let go!" He angrily tossed his brother away.

Kili stumbled backwards looking hurt and concerned about his sibling. then he stood still watching his battered brother, who didn't face him, still avoiding Kili's eyes. "Is it true?"

"What?"

"That you're leaving?"

Fili dared to look at Kili again, his beautiful face and wet hair, his wonderful eyes and figure that had always been beside him. Always. He didn't answer. He couldn't. He fell to ashamed about what he did and said to him although that person in front of him wasn't real.

"Tell me at least the truth!"

"Leave, please. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore," he said, eyes filled with tears. "I don't want to hurt you."

"But you do, in this second!" He paused only to look at his beloved brother. "I hate it, Fili. And I'm sick of hating. I hate it, that I hate you because... I know I shouldn't, but I love you." The last part of his sentences wasn't more than a whisper.

"Stop saying that," Fili pleaded with horror in his eyes. This is a dream again! He had dreams in which his brother would say something like that, sad dreams in which his brother would laugh afterward, turning his back on him still giggling and laughing. He never could escape from those dreams. And it almost killed him.

"Fili!"

"Stop right there," he begged.

"No, I won't. You are the one my heart chose a long time ago."

"That's a lie," Fili sobbed in pain knowing the fever was going to fry his brain. "You're not real."

"Even now, Fili, look at me, even now, I still love you!" Kili said loud grabbing his brothers cheeks with both hands forcing him to look. "I tried to forget you, I really tried, but I couldn't. I miss you with every breath that I take, I miss your arms, your voice, I miss even the noise you make, while you're eating. Fili, I love you! And I don't want to be apart from you anymore. I can't take your absence any longer. You belong to my life as I belong to yours. Please understand."

Fili couldn't speak. Again he couldn't speak. His mouth went dry as soon as he realized his brother was right in front of him, touching his face slightly with those soft hands. He was real. It really happened! It wasn't just a dream!

Fili watched him with eyes full of tears and ... regret... pain... disbelief.

Kili fell silent and took his hands off his brothers cheeks, as he saw his brothers apologetic face. "I see," he said, "it's my fault. I misinterpret again." His voice got low and he stepped back. He was wrong and Thorin and Dwalin, too?

Fili opened his mouth but no word would come out. He trembled and fell to ground once again. He wanted to say that he loved him, too, and that his life was meaningless if not Kili stood by his side. With him laughing, making jokes, playing pranks, fighting, drinking, doing anything that made Kili to Kili, it would always turn a gray sky to something beautiful.

Fili clenched his fist, he got up and moved forward, this fast Kili couldn't even blink with his eyes. This was Fili's second chance and he wouldn't miss it again!

The lips that touched Kili's were so soft and forceful, that he forgot everything around him, even that he began to doubt about Fili's feelings again. Fili embraced him like he never did before kissing him, licking Kili's lips till he opened his mouth and let him in. Kili locked his brother in his arms kissing him back as he realized he was wrong again. His heart beat so fast and nervously, that he thought it would pound for both of them.

"I love you, too, Kili," Fili said with broken voice. "And I'm truly sorry that I didn't say it earlier, that I hurt you so much." He laid his head on Kili's forehead just to feel his presence.

"You were a fool."

"Yes."

"And stupid."

"I was."

"I love you so much, you idiot of a brother," Kili said and kissed his dear brother again grabbing his blond hair, touching his neck. He never felt like this before and he wouldn't have, if he had lost him. He was the only love he would ever have. "Why didn't you say anything? I thought, you would hate me!"

"I thought that, too," Fili answered ashamed. "I was afraid you might reject me, if I had confessed."

"You should know me by now!"

"You, too, brother." Fili smiled and kissed him again.

"You have a fever," Kili mumbled.

"I don't care."

"Of course you care," Kili snapped back. "You're burning like hell!"

Fili chuckled slightly. "Ah, I missed that."

"Missed what?" he asked warily.

Fili chuckled. "Everything about you. Your voice, your scent, your concern, your present. Where shall I start to tell you?"

"So, you're going home with me?" Kili's eyes were shining and smiling at him and Fili couldn't resist giving him another kiss on his forehead.

"After all this yelling, how could I resist?" He grabbed his hand going slowly back in the direction of the Halls of Thorin and the village.

"Well, explain me something," Kili said after awhile.

"Huh?"

"Why did you really got angry at my birthday?"

Fili scratched his head and tried not to look at his brother. "Uhm, I was jealous, I think. You kissed Mael. That drove me crazy. Why did you kiss her?"

"Because she was moving to Gondor, which is thousand miles away, you little fool. I don't know what it looked like, but it has just been a goodbye kiss."

"Oh. But it looked, as if you would stick your tongue into her."

"Idiot," Kili chuckled. "She was standing with her back in your direction. You didn't see anything."

Fili blushed and turned halfway. "And your friends said that the dagger was childish. You didn't even defend it and they laughed and..."

"They were jealous, you fool! You should have seen their faces!" Kili laughed and a bright smile was shown on his face. "I love that present. I dived even into that fountain to get it back. Look!" He took the dragon dagger out of his belt. It was shining in the dim light of a young morning.

Fili got the feeling, Kili might stab and kill him again and shivered slightly, but shove those memories aside and relaxed. Such things would never happen again. "I'm sorry."

"And that whore?" Now it was Kili who asked.

Fili blushed and turned his eyes to the ground. "Well, uhm, she... well... she had dark, long hair and... uhm..."

The ebony haired guy grinned. "I see."

"I'm truly sorry," Fili said. "I was lonely and angry and... She reminded me of you."

"Let's get you into bed."

"I love you, Kili."

"Yeah, I love you, too."

"Ah, I hope, its not just another dream." Fili sighed strengthening his grip even stronger around Kili's hand.

"So you had those, too."

Fili looked at him in surprise. "You had nightmares?Tell me."

"Don't worry, brother, they won't come again, because you'll be there for me."

"Yes, I will never leave you again."

"I'll kill you, if you do."

"Na, I don't think so. I'm stronger than you," chuckled Fili and gave him a tender gaze.

His brother shrugged him with his shoulder. "You're underestimating me?"

"Well, no. Could you?"

Kili grinned, he tripped him up and Fili felt on his back. His brother sat down on his belly, leaning forward while putting his hands beside his head. "Admit your defeat, my dear brother."

"Only if you say it again."

His brown eyes were shining like a new born star. "I love you."

oOo

Thank you for reading this story and my special thanks to my dear proofreader Amy ;-) I'm glad, that you're helping me with my grammar and even giving me the courage to write another stories! 


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